I was not created for exercise. I was born for much greater things. You know, things like lounging on a brocade sofa, reading my latest best seller and popping M&M's. Or perhaps grazing at a cruise ship's poolside buffet or bringing thousands to their feet as I speak to them, opening their eyes to new revelations of greatness. You know? Just the basics. But a stair stepper? An elliptical watchamacallit? A treadmill? Heck to the no! Or as my 3 year old grand daughter says, "No way Hazel!"
I jest of course. I have exercised in the past and thoroughly enjoyed every 30 minutes of it. I stand in awe, well probably sit, in awe of these precious ladies with the strength, stamina and self discipline to train for a marathon. What a feeling of accomplishment that must be to actually run a marathon and to reach their goals. I have just one question for you..........WHY??? I am jealous of course. I can only imagine my svelte body flying across the terrain, wind blowing in my hair, the finish line in sight. And In N' Out just beyond......But alas, after much consideration of all things running and exercise I put such silly thoughts aside and reach for another chicken wing. Have I made it profoundly clear yet that a marathon is nowhere on my calendar? Well that's the way it was BEFORE the good Lord in all His wisdom decided differently.
One thing I HAVE learned about marathons from those oh so thin, pitiful and hungry, strong and fit ladies who run these things, is that a marathon is not so much about how quickly you run it, but rather more importantly, that you finish it! This has not been much encouragement to me and has made me quite comfortable in the 'Women's World" department at Kohl's thank you very much! And dear Lord baby Jesus Krispy Kreme makes it that much harder! Oh Lord if only I could have lived in the 50's when portly was in fashion and no one had ever even heard of a thigh gap. My thigh gap closed up shop almost 30 years ago and not hide nor hair of it has been seen 'round these parts since!
Well, back to the good Lord in all His wisdom and such. God knew that Shawnacee, that fiery red headed little girl from down around Modesto California way could NEVER endure a physical, feet on the ground marathon, so He decided to exercise my faith, my emotions, my psyche and yes, even my sanity. I have had many ministers prophecy over me thru the years. They have spoken of how I would be tried, yet used in mighty ways. One minister in particular told me that I would one day tell my story and that people by the thousands would stand in awe at what I had to say. In my carnal mind I was sure that the trials would be short, and relatively easy and that my message would be one of joy, happiness and success. I could not have known that my story would be one of incomprehensible grief, confusion, questions, humiliation, bitter disappointment and self loathing. Had I known of these things as a young lady I would have cloistered myself away, built walls of stone around me where I could never be reached or hurt. But Jesus had other things in mind for me, and He signed me up for a rigorous training of my very soul that I did not believe possible.
My mandatory marathon began on August the 6th, 2009 and I'm still running. This is not a relay race. You don't just simply pass the baton off to someone else and let them deal with it. You live it, breathe it, eat it and sleep it. There were days when I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, what I believed or if I even believed anymore. But as I run, oft times I become aware of that number, placed upon my chest at the beginning of my marathon. It's proof that I am known by Him, He knew me in my mother's womb, His Name was etched upon my heart at baptism and my body houses His very Spirit. So somehow, I run, numbered among the many. And as the song goes, "I know I can't turn back, someone might be using my tracks......
As in my previous blog "Finally" which details the suicide of my first husband,the father of my children, this series of blogs will also be raw, and not for the feint of heart. These revelations are certainly not intended for the purpose of shock and awe, but rather to communicate to you that every living breathing child of God has a story. This is for those who suffer with PTSD, depression and anxiety. For those who have ever experienced self loathing and have begged God to just let you die. This is for you. If you are perfect and have lived an absolutely carefree, completely peaceful and fulfilled life don't bother to read. But if you are a runner either by choice or by divine appointment, if you run, then read.
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